I find that this road of reflection and self-discovery is kind of a pain in the ass. I have so many thoughts flying around inside my head. It’s almost like they’re afraid to land. It’s like a pinball machine up there. There are definitely way more balls in play than should be. (Yeah, yeah – I heard it!) Each shiny little thought or idea just keeps pinging around, bouncing off of things and running into each other. There really shouldn’t be this many at once. I find that I lose track often. Sometimes I lose track in the middle of talking. The thoughts move faster than my mouth does, so I get ahead of myself and have to backtrack and try to figure out what the hell I was saying and recall the point I was trying to get to in the first place.
The current state of the world has me completely overwhelmed and challenged in how to process this shit show without losing every ounce of my sanity. I’m pretty sure I only have a few ounces left as it is, and I’d like to maintain some semblance of sanity if at all possible. I do have goals for myself and my career and I’m going to need that sanity to succeed.
I’m currently torn between venting like a mad woman letting loose a barrage of profanity that would make a drunken sailor blush, and setting aside my anger and distress to focus on a more positive and hopeful aspect of dealing with the world. It’s a difficult decision. I do enjoy peace and tranquility and putting positive energy out into the world, but I also deeply appreciate an all-in-balls-out rant to purge all of that negativity I’m trying to suppress in the first place.
We’re still dealing with a global pandemic and quarantine. We’re trying to figure out how to handle those that refuse to partake in the wearing of the masks, as it’s become quite apparent that the maskholes care only for themselves and not the rest of the community in which we live. We continue to watch the chaos of BLM and rioters and police brutality. We continue to watch as some deny that there is any disparate treatment of POC and they blindly support law enforcement. We continue to try to explain that we are fully capable of supporting the BLM movement in an attempt to remove the systemic racism, while also supporting the good law enforcement officers who have also struggled with the bad law enforcement officers. We continue to watch as the world seemingly tells us that the only choices we have are either/or with no middle ground or room for compromise. Each of these topics can fill stand-alone, fairly heavy blog posts. With the world like this I try to choose actions that could counter the fear and negativity and despair, but that darkness and sour creeps in periodically.
I guess that’s where my biggest struggle is at the moment. I want very much to be able to take a deep breath, channel my inner Elsa, and just let it go. I think I can most of the time. I force feed my friends and coworkers a steady diet of positive affirmations, appreciation, hope, and laughter, which I hope makes things just a tiny bit easier or lighter for them. However, when that little black rain cloud finds me, I struggle to maintain my positivity. I know that it’s completely unreasonable to expect that I am constantly happy and positive. Nobody can maintain that. Yet it hits me hard when the darkness creeps in and I feel as though I’ve failed in my mission to make the world a better place. Once again I find myself asking why the hell am I like this? Why do I set unreasonable standards and expectations for myself that I would never put onto another person? Why don’t I give myself the same kindness and grace that I grant to others?
Do you see all the pinballs yet? How the hell am I supposed to unpack all this nonsense?
Part of my problem, I think, is that I haven’t been able to center myself and recharge. I typically do so by attending live concerts and conventions throughout the year. Watching, participating, or listening online is not the same at all. There’s an energy that comes from all other participants that can’t be replicated remotely. There’s something to be said for hanging out with thousands of other people who enjoy some of the same things as you. So now I’m trying to figure out another way in which I can center and recharge in our obnoxiously inconvenient Covid world.
I guess this whole post, as boring and buzz-kill as it may be, is to recognize that seemingly everything is ridiculously fucking hard right now for just about everyone. We all need to be more gentle with ourselves. We need to understand that we’re all human and we’re all complex, emotional beings.
It’s okay to have bad days.
It’s okay to have an afternoon where you need to vent.
It’s okay to cry in the shower. (I recommend this one)
It’s okay if all you managed to do for the day was not throat punch some random cuntchkin you found yelling at the poor grocery store clerk because they are trying to do their job and give someone a mask before they enter the store. (You should really be rewarded handsomely for that – I know that one is particularly hard).
It’s okay if you called your kid an asshole under your breath because – lets face it – sometimes kids are little assholes.
It’s ok if you cry while trying to teach your kid 4th grade math from home. Because have you SEEN math these days???
It’s okay if you just had enough of the bullshit so you sat down to binge Doctor Who for hours on end just to see diverse people being nice to one another, even though there’s likely a monster or alien involved somewhere along the way.
It’s okay if you’ve contemplated making a deal with a cross roads demon in an attempt to simply stop the madness.
It’s okay if you tried to summon a demon in your backyard because you don’t live close to any crossroads that look like they’d produce a demon with whom to make a deal. Let me know if you need help sending it back – I have a few ideas.
It’s okay to be so exhausted trying to keep it together that you eat fruity pebbles for dinner.
Everything is hard and it’s okay to take care of yourself. You are important. You are valid. You are amazing. You are loved. You are worthy of self care. Please take care of yourself.
Why is Life Like That, Why am I Like That? 