Ten years ago today, everything changed.
Ten years ago today, I was struggling with an unhealthy work environment. I’d been trying to make it work for nearly 4 years, and was failing miserably. I cried every single day in the parking lot before starting my work day.
Ten years ago today, I lay crying in my bed. Alone in my room, my mind turned on me. It spewed vile hateful lies and tried to bully me into release. It told me I was useless. It told me I failed as a parent. It told me I didn’t deserve my husband and that I trapped him with me and that I was never his first choice. It told me that nobody loved me. It reminded me of what other people have told me. Ten years ago today, I relived every trauma, hurtful comment, and painful memory from my life.
Should have been aborted. Porky. Lazy. Stupid. Bitch. Ignorant. Nobody will want me, because everyone’s had me. Worthless mother. Terrible daughter. Crazy. Won’t amount to anything. Can’t succeed in work. Don’t wear the right clothes. Don’t have my kids in the right school. We were never friends. Stupid bitch that talks constantly but doesn’t actually says anything (my personal favorite that came from my very own grandfather). Waste of time. Waste of skin. Waste of breath. Waste of flesh. Fat and grotesque. Ugly. Trashy. Slut. No style. No taste.
Because those were things told to me, to my face, it was easy for my brain to throw in some things that weren’t said to me, and convince me that even though nobody said those things they meant to so it’s basically the same thing. I’m not smart enough to go back to school. I’ll never graduate – what was I thinking? I am a drain on everyone around me. Nobody likes me. I have no friends – I just show up in people’s lives because of friends-of-friends so I’m basically a human carry-on that others are forced to deal with. I contribute nothing but pain and misery to this world. My pain makes me useless and I’ll become a drain on society. I’m not worthy of love, which I should have seen since nobody could ever remain faithful to me. My kids hate me. My husband wants someone else. They would be better off if I were gone and he found someone new. I’m never the favorite. I’m a consolation prize, never who anyone would actually choose first. All I do is ruin lives. No talent. No skill. No purpose to exist. I’m not strong enough to survive my pain.
Ten years ago today, as I lay crying in my bed curled up with a 9, I thought about those who would delight in my demise. I thought about those toxic mean-girl bitches at work. I thought about the joy my passing would bring them. I imagined their glee at hearing I was gone. I thought about how they would enjoy knowing they broke me. I thought about how they’d think they had won.
Ten years ago today, through some miracle for which I can only credit the universe, I remembered that I’m a petty, spiteful bitch and a sore loser. Ten years ago today, an inferno violently ignited within me. Ten years ago today, I said “Fuck them, they will not win!” Ten years ago today, I put the 9 back into the safe, straightened my crown, and decided to change things, purely out of spite.
Ten years ago tomorrow, I resigned from my job without warning my family. That one, terrifying act started an avalanche of healing and wellness.
Not at first – I didn’t plan well and I made things more challenging than they needed to be. With no job, I had no medical coverage. Without medical coverage, I couldn’t pay for my therapist or my medications. Because I’d resigned suddenly, there wasn’t time to taper my meds so I stopped cold turkey. DO. NOT. DO. THIS. It’s dangerous and it could have shoved me aggressively back to that place of despair and I may not have been able to anger myself out of it again. I know it can’t always be helped, but I was stupid and risky and I do not recommend it to anyone.
My therapist was concerned. My psychology professor was concerned. My husband was concerned. None of them knew what had happened to prompt this decision and they did not know how bad I had gotten.
Shortly thereafter, the universe swaddled me in love. Friends went so far above and beyond for me, without even knowing the whole story. None more so than Don and Sarah. They were my guardian angels. My brother moved his family in with us so we didn’t lose our house. Within 6 months of resigning, the darkness in the back of my mind started to drift away. Within a year my depression would go into remission.
10 years ago today, I nearly gave up. Had I done so, I would have missed out on so much. Over the 10 years since, I got a new job with another agency. I earned an associate’s degree. I earned a bachelor’s degree. I met Carrie Fisher, Nichelle Nichols, Stan Lee, and more. I went on a cruise to the Bahamas. I got to visit my grandma a couple of times before she passed away. I reconnected with my dad after 30+ years apart. I became a grandparent. I took singing lessons and performed live for my husband’s birthday. I made new friends. I played new games. I’ve been on several adventures. My overall health has improved. I’ve become an advocate for others. I’ve focused on creating psychological safety in the work place, in every job I’ve been in since. I’ve spent time enjoying nature. I survived a global pandemic. I’ve loved deeply. I’ve protected fiercely. I’ve suffocated in grief. I’ve tried to be more empathetic. I’ve tried to make a positive difference in the world.
This morning, I met my 4th grandchild. She’s beautiful.
Sometimes when I think about 10 years ago today, I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I feel a fool. Sometimes I worry that it’s temporary and that one day my darkness will return. But today I am grateful the universe looked after me. Today I feel blessed for surviving. Today I hope that someone else is able to survive and that they get to learn that it gets better. I hope someone else knows that sometimes it’s hard and the hard parts can be terrifying. I hope someone else is able to understand that everyone experiences gloom and grief now and then, but it won’t last forever. I hope that someone else can survive out of spite and do beautiful things for this world.
Why is Life Like That, Why am I Like That? 